She, was like a heart that stopped beating on the day I left our doorstep to go to war.
She wrote me love letters that kept me warm when I was freezing in the rain.
I took a gunshot to the leg and ended up lying in a hospital bed.
But the horrors I had seen were a plague on my eyes, and I didn't know to get them out of my head.
She said,
Home is where the heart and I need you here now because I miss you.
It's been two long years since your smile brightened my day.
Come home to me.
On the day I returned home, I was merely a ghost of myself.
She knew it, and I knew it and she knew I needed help
So she held me.
And I cried so many tears that i soaked my shirt and then I went to bed.
Then I woke up at 4am, just wishing I were dead.
I left something behind, something inside of me. Hell, if I can remember it's name.
I took the revolver to my forehead, I was just going to stop the pain.
One minute I was close to death
The next minute so far away
She grabbed the gun emptied the chamber, and threw it all away.
I could never thank her enough.
Goddamn These Walls
There are memories of you if there are memories of anything
There are stories to be told that won't fit the concept of this piece
The beauty that we birthed in these goddamn walls
Could fill the Louvre to the brim with our masterpieces
And don't say you never felt it, because I know in fact you did
I see the glint inside your eyelid when we speak as though we're kids
But we're still kids and there's still love
And we can be that again, hell we still are
But these goddamn walls are holding me in like bars
You escaped from the prison through a hole carved with a spoon
You could slip into the cracks, but I'm not small enough to fit through
We need a new home.
This place isn't home for me anymore
I hope yours isn't either
Because if it is that means you've settled, and I've already lost the war.
If I knew the steps I had to take
The smile that it would make would be concrete evidence to the fact
That there is love here, and here is my heart
It's not this apartment or the bedroom, or the fucking bathroom floor
We had a child here, as a scared couple needing a place to live.
Not a place that we're going to eventually call our own
Eventually title it our home
A temporary band-aid on the problem of homelessness.
Because we we're bringing a child to this world, and he needed a roof atop his head.
And as I lay here on the floor, elbows ground red from the carpet
I wonder to myself, just how I could have stopped it
How to stop the gentle distancing that at night leaves my heart reeling
How to get so close to touch your skin, without hurting certain feelings.
How do I let you know,
that every day I wake up to an empty bed (just like you do)
and I remember that once you were there, and even if you were sleeping
I loved the look upon your face, hell I just loved your face and
I loved the way you snuggled, and it sounds so damn cliche
But I just love your skin, and the way I can run my fingers down it slowly
And I don't need anyone, anywhere to tell me how I feel about you
This will never be more real than it is here. Minutes away but miles apart
and I'm rambling now because there's so many things that I want to say and this would sound disgusting
if it happened face to face
I'd make a wreck of trying to explain this, and I wouldn't use the proper words
and you wouldn't hear my meaning, because I'd stutter on myself.
But fuck.
I love you.
There are stories to be told that won't fit the concept of this piece
The beauty that we birthed in these goddamn walls
Could fill the Louvre to the brim with our masterpieces
And don't say you never felt it, because I know in fact you did
I see the glint inside your eyelid when we speak as though we're kids
But we're still kids and there's still love
And we can be that again, hell we still are
But these goddamn walls are holding me in like bars
You escaped from the prison through a hole carved with a spoon
You could slip into the cracks, but I'm not small enough to fit through
We need a new home.
This place isn't home for me anymore
I hope yours isn't either
Because if it is that means you've settled, and I've already lost the war.
If I knew the steps I had to take
The smile that it would make would be concrete evidence to the fact
That there is love here, and here is my heart
It's not this apartment or the bedroom, or the fucking bathroom floor
We had a child here, as a scared couple needing a place to live.
Not a place that we're going to eventually call our own
Eventually title it our home
A temporary band-aid on the problem of homelessness.
Because we we're bringing a child to this world, and he needed a roof atop his head.
And as I lay here on the floor, elbows ground red from the carpet
I wonder to myself, just how I could have stopped it
How to stop the gentle distancing that at night leaves my heart reeling
How to get so close to touch your skin, without hurting certain feelings.
How do I let you know,
that every day I wake up to an empty bed (just like you do)
and I remember that once you were there, and even if you were sleeping
I loved the look upon your face, hell I just loved your face and
I loved the way you snuggled, and it sounds so damn cliche
But I just love your skin, and the way I can run my fingers down it slowly
And I don't need anyone, anywhere to tell me how I feel about you
This will never be more real than it is here. Minutes away but miles apart
and I'm rambling now because there's so many things that I want to say and this would sound disgusting
if it happened face to face
I'd make a wreck of trying to explain this, and I wouldn't use the proper words
and you wouldn't hear my meaning, because I'd stutter on myself.
But fuck.
I love you.
Wings Ripped From A Black Swan
Her wind is a boundless butterfly flapping its designer wings
To call her beauty simply magnificent would be an understated truth at best.
She dances pirouettes in limelight while onlookers lend their gaze to the most elegant of pagents
And the dance of her own death.
The sequins sparkle brightly amongst the illuminating light
The way her body flows its a wonder how we are all alive
To witness such a spectacle without a proper frame
A piece of art without the bounds of a four corner charade.
She falls to the floor to signal that her end is near
Who will throw roses to this angel in appreciation for the tears
While she was championing us with movement, as we are swelling with her pride
Her final dance, the darkest swan
The shadow of the broken night
Then her darkness washes over us
And the curtains cast us out to sea.
Leave it to the water
To wash the stains off our souls.
She was dead before she saw us
Throw a single rose.
To call her beauty simply magnificent would be an understated truth at best.
She dances pirouettes in limelight while onlookers lend their gaze to the most elegant of pagents
And the dance of her own death.
The sequins sparkle brightly amongst the illuminating light
The way her body flows its a wonder how we are all alive
To witness such a spectacle without a proper frame
A piece of art without the bounds of a four corner charade.
She falls to the floor to signal that her end is near
Who will throw roses to this angel in appreciation for the tears
While she was championing us with movement, as we are swelling with her pride
Her final dance, the darkest swan
The shadow of the broken night
Then her darkness washes over us
And the curtains cast us out to sea.
Leave it to the water
To wash the stains off our souls.
She was dead before she saw us
Throw a single rose.
The Feeling Fulfilled
The physical representation of blood escaping from my being
Lends volumes to the words that I can't speak
Consider the tongue, seared at the root
Match it to the way my lip quivers when I'm too full of fear
To utter a word against you.
All I ever wanted was for you to love me,
Not understanding why I would want to be held in the arms
Of someone responsible for beating me to ashes
Consider me ashes because every fire you extinguished it,
And every flower met your feet
Every dream, you turned nightmare
And warm feeling, winter cold.
I may be growing but the fact is I'm still trapped inside this cage
Afraid to dream at night for fear of seeing your evil face,
To call you a devil would be an insult to the name
You were ripped from the 8th layer and laid on earth to produce pain
I figured these bruises would settle whatever debt I owed you,
But you weren't satisfied with flesh, you had to inflict my mind too.
A demon, monster, coward, bastard, you go by many names.
I have cringed in corners waiting for the trauma to fade me away.
Lends volumes to the words that I can't speak
Consider the tongue, seared at the root
Match it to the way my lip quivers when I'm too full of fear
To utter a word against you.
All I ever wanted was for you to love me,
Not understanding why I would want to be held in the arms
Of someone responsible for beating me to ashes
Consider me ashes because every fire you extinguished it,
And every flower met your feet
Every dream, you turned nightmare
And warm feeling, winter cold.
I may be growing but the fact is I'm still trapped inside this cage
Afraid to dream at night for fear of seeing your evil face,
To call you a devil would be an insult to the name
You were ripped from the 8th layer and laid on earth to produce pain
I figured these bruises would settle whatever debt I owed you,
But you weren't satisfied with flesh, you had to inflict my mind too.
A demon, monster, coward, bastard, you go by many names.
I have cringed in corners waiting for the trauma to fade me away.
...And Then My Body Became A Stage
And I'm a mess and I'm a wreck,
But that would be an understatement at this point,
I came in like a lion but I'm leaving a lamb
Deteriorating failure
Like the loser I am.
I'll keep you all on the outside
Not inside of my brain
So you won't hear the frequencies
Of the things that it's saying
You're a mess you're a wreck
A failure of all things
You may have arrived as a lion
But you're leaving a cage
I will sleep on the dirtiest of hospital floors,
Just looking for a grave.
If I can't stop all your tears
What good am I?
Why do I belong here?
My spirit may be light
But heavy is this heart
I'll shut myself from light
So I can cry in the dark.
But that would be an understatement at this point,
I came in like a lion but I'm leaving a lamb
Deteriorating failure
Like the loser I am.
I'll keep you all on the outside
Not inside of my brain
So you won't hear the frequencies
Of the things that it's saying
You're a mess you're a wreck
A failure of all things
You may have arrived as a lion
But you're leaving a cage
I will sleep on the dirtiest of hospital floors,
Just looking for a grave.
If I can't stop all your tears
What good am I?
Why do I belong here?
My spirit may be light
But heavy is this heart
I'll shut myself from light
So I can cry in the dark.
I Speak In .WAV
I lack compression, no distortion to bitrate
My highs and lows are the peaks of the sound waves
While my frequencies vibrate,
I am nothing more than waveform,
Speaking in wavelengths and digital integration
I lack compression, I am the winner in your loudness war
I break the bass so that it rumbles louder than before.
I distort meanings into forms and shapes
Making the earth fall into my wake.
Speaking in wavelengths like before.
My open mouth is a constant source
The 1's and 0's are as clear as can be.
My mind is digital
And my thoughts are free.
My highs and lows are the peaks of the sound waves
While my frequencies vibrate,
I am nothing more than waveform,
Speaking in wavelengths and digital integration
I lack compression, I am the winner in your loudness war
I break the bass so that it rumbles louder than before.
I distort meanings into forms and shapes
Making the earth fall into my wake.
Speaking in wavelengths like before.
My open mouth is a constant source
The 1's and 0's are as clear as can be.
My mind is digital
And my thoughts are free.
Despite Popular Belief, My Tongue Is Red, Not Silver.
It seems a cheap focus to call out minor details here.
The way you broke like glass when the pressure became too much for you.
Well I'm still here holding up a world you left behind,
Standing with buckling knees on a concrete pedestal doused in flames.
I know that sometimes I need to be brought down off my high horse
But goddammit that horse is all I own.
You wouldn't trade me a penny for all these words
The silly metaphors and useless phrases I regurgitate to pass on a feeling.
I spent years building fences so my feelings would be good neighbors
and stay as far away from my mouth as they could.
I shoved them down so deep it caused an ache in my knees and a
Swelling that will never go away.
Now that I try to channel them here, I find out how hard I made it to feel at all.
It's hard to run from the truth on arthritic ankles, or a wounded knee,
with a broken back and bare feet.
Perhaps a lisp would makes these things a little more interesting to hear
To even my own ears.
I'd almost rather write in another language, just to feel like their were more words
To express the things I wanted to say.
I'm not uninspired, I'm just tired.
Tired of expecting too much from myself, like all these words are gonna make someone remember me.
So I keep writing them, in hopes that they will.
But who will ever read them?
How will they ever make it any further than this page?
Now that I try to channel them here, I find out how hard I made it to feel at all.
It's hard to run from the truth on arthritic ankles, or a wounded knee,
with a broken back and bare feet.
Perhaps a lisp would makes these things a little more interesting to hear
To even my own ears.
I'd almost rather write in another language, just to feel like their were more words
To express the things I wanted to say.
I'm not uninspired, I'm just tired.
Tired of expecting too much from myself, like all these words are gonna make someone remember me.
So I keep writing them, in hopes that they will.
But who will ever read them?
How will they ever make it any further than this page?
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